Comfortable
by bucklind17
Summary: Rent songfic.... No matter how hard you try, it's hard to forget what you had


A/N   
This story is written to a song by a lovely little songwriter named John Mayer. He is totally amazing, and when I first heard this song, I loved it. And then, my Rent brain thought it would be great for a songfic. When I think of Mimi and Roger's relationship, I think of a very loving one despite the fights and obvious trust issues. Even though it's different, I like it. I hope you do too. Of course, the characters, except for Becca, are the wonderful Jonathan Larson's. And once again, thanks to Maddie for reading it over for me! 

_I just remembered that time at the market_   
_You snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart_   
_And rode down Aisle 5_   
_You looked behind you to smile back at me_   
_Crashed into a rack full of magazines_   
_They asked us if we could leave_

Memories of you still flood me. They used to upset me, make me angry, but now… now they make me smile. Just a little. They're all that's left. To love you the way I did, and then not have anything to remind me of it? That would make me angry, that would make me sad. So what if everything I see brings you back to me? You completed me, I'm empty without you. I need those smiles, those times when the thought of you makes me want to laugh out loud, despite what people will think when I do. You changed me. You took this rock-hard heart and taught it how to love again. Everyday I think of something else, another thing about you that made me so happy during that time. Something else that told me that I had to keep on going because I was still alive and I wasn't going anywhere just yet. 

_Can't remember what went wrong last September_   
_Though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to_   
_Our love was comfortable and_   
_So broken in_

I like to think that I don't know what happened to us, but I do. We weren't doing good before Angel died, and then her death just added insult to injury. You ran off with Benny and I ran off to Santa Fe. Both of us were unhappy, but the whole point was to make the other one miserable. I knew you didn't exactly enjoy being with Benny, but you knew I hated it too, so you stayed. I hated Santa Fe with a passion, but I stayed there to torture you. Talk about pointless pain. And then I came back, and you came back and you were sick. And all of a sudden, those two months of separation were like wasted memories that had never really happened. What fight? What trust issues? You were dying and I loved you and I didn't want to let you go. I was used to you, your movements, the way you whispered how much you loved me into my ear at the most random moments. The way you cuddle your head underneath my chin when we watched TV together. How I knew what you were going to say before you said it, how I could feel your giggle coming, how your smile made me think of everything in the world that could make ME smile.   
We all thought that that was it. We expected you to go that night, or the next night, or sometime that next week. But you never did. You just somehow got better and then life was back to normal. Or whatever normal was to us. And then we started to see that it wasn't working. We both wanted it to work, but there was too much jealously, too much uncertainty. It didn't matter that I loved you more than life, that you made me complete. We were getting more pain than it was worth. I wish I could have kept you with me, but neither of us can bear to be tied down, neither of us can bear to have someone else tell us what to do. You'd think the extent we loved each other would make it easy, but it didn't. And we just ended it. You stuck around for a little while, then disappeared. I don't know where to or with who, but all of a sudden, you were really gone. I lost all hope of getting you back, that thought in my mind that this would pass like all the other little things that had entered our screwed up lives. You were really gone. And then came that whole process of moving on that I've had to go through far too many times in my life. I don't quite understand how it works that when I just get used to something, I finally start to feel comfortable with myself and who I am and then my life goes and fucks me over.   


_I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to_   
_My friends all approve, say she's going to be good for you_   
_They throw me high fives_

Mark and Collins hooked me up with this girl that we met at a club. She had been interested in me, and they had pushed me in her direction to introduce myself. She's a junior nurse. I know they still worry about me, and I can't help but wonder if they want to change me. You did so much to change me, Mimi, and in a good way, and I don't understand why they want to take that away. Can't they see I'm not the guy I used to be? I never want to be him again. There's too much to deal with when I'm him. The uncertainty, the cravings of things I shouldn't have, the anger that I'm too young to feel. I have this huge thing hanging over my head, and that man I was before you came into my life couldn't do anything but be reminded of it, and I don't want to be like that anymore.   
They love Becca. They think that she'll keep me sane. She's wonderful, but she isn't you. There's so many things I expect from her that I need to realize aren't part of everyone, that were only part of you alone. It's tough. I'm trying though. I think I need to.   


_She's says the Bible is all that she reads_   
_And prefers that I not use profanity_   
_Your mouth was so dirty_   
_Life of the party and she swears that she's artsy_   
_But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane_

She hates it when I swear. She finds curse words offensive. She's like that. She'll never tell me not to, but she does that deep breath thing women do when they're annoyed, a slight wince on her face. She didn't grow up in a world full of swears and insults the way I did. The way we did. She doesn't understand that asking me not to swear is like asking me not to breathe. Me and you, we had so many catfights. Strange as it seems, I miss that. I miss knowing that if I lose my temper, you'll still come around the next morning, knowing it was just frustration and not a personal attack. I miss knowing that each "Fuck you!" will be met with "Oh, no, fuck YOU!". This is as new to her as it is to me. I'm not used to her innocence, she's not used to my recklessness. She's never dated a tough guy before, whose life is an open book with far too many questions. I haven't told her very much about my past yet. She thinks I'm crazy now, what will she think when she finds out about the life before you?   
There's so much Becca doesn't understand about me. She likes music, she likes to draw, but she doesn't understand how my life can be music. She would rather I get a job at McDonald's and pay the rent then spend nights at gigs. You loved my gigs, because it reminded you of how much I've changed, how much progress I've made. It gave you another thing to love about me. It gave you the chance to be proud of me, to show me off. I want Becca to love it too, I want her to understand how much music is a part of me, how I want to make it before I don't have the chance anymore. She has a real job. People with real job's never understand us. Except Collins, but he's never counted because he's one of us at heart. His work is his art. He is one of us. Becca isn't and never will be. 

_Our love was comfortable and_   
_So broken in_   
_She's perfect_   
_So flawless_   
_For so many sins_

I think I love Becca. I just can't tell you why. There's so much about her to love. She's beautiful, and sweet, and funny. She has a great personality and gets along great with Mark, which is a real plus. But I don't have that love I'm used to. That love I had with you. We fought a lot, I know, but it never lasted. It couldn't last, because we needed each other. We had differences that we couldn't deal with, we had issues that took over our lives, and I think that's why we needed each other so much. Becca has no issues. Becca has no problems. She's perfect. Too perfect. She prides herself on it, and if there were to be anything I wanted to change about her, it would be the fact that she is so perfect and wants to spend her time with a fuck-up like me. 

_She thinks that I can't see the smile that she's faking_   
_And poses for pictures that aren't being taken_

I think she sees that there's something keeping me from loving her completely. I pretend to, because I keep on thinking that if I keep trying, something will happen. Some spark will go off, and she'll be Barbie and I'll be her Ken. God knows that we look the part. But we aren't. Ken and Barbie had no issues. Ken would look at Barbie and marvel in her perfectness, and I can't stand Becca's. I want her to have a problem, an insecurity, a character flaw, something! I want her to know what it's like to not know what's coming, to question the future and regret the past. I want her to realize that her life isn't to impress people, that she can be herself with me. I want her to see that the shell isn't good enough, I want the her inside. I want her to see that it's ok to screw up sometimes, that it's part of life, and just because it happens doesn't mean she's a horrible person. Sometimes the whole fact that she is the way she is makes me wonder what she will think of me if I tell her about my past. What she does think of me already. She's so scared of being judged negatively. Well, if it's so wrong to be screwed up, my spot in Hell is already reserved for me. It hurts me to wonder about what she'll say and it scares me to think she'll hate me for it. How do I tell her, the girl with no problems at all, that I had a drug problem? That my girlfriend killed herself after finding out we both had AIDS? That I locked myself in the loft for six months because I couldn't deal with the loss, the pain, the withdrawal, living in general? How do I tell her that my last girlfriend was so much like me that she's all I see and all I want? 

_I loved you_   
_Gray sweatpants_   
_No makeup_   
_So perfect_

You were perfect. You were so much more perfect because you were you. You could pretend that you had no problems, but they were there, and they were us. And sometimes they would get the best of you, and that's when I'd love you the most because you knew you couldn't really escape them. I never had to explain to you how hard it was to not know how long I had. I never had to explain what it was like to know you had things to hide, things that you were ashamed of and wished you could erase. I never had to explain to you the pain of not knowing, of being so unsure if I'd get the things I wanted out of life. You understood. You shared that with me. You didn't have to cover up with me, and I never wanted you to. You weren't afraid to let me see your flaws. You weren't afraid to hurt me, dammit, and sometimes the only way you know a relationship is strong is to survive the hurt. 

_Our love was…comfortable_   
_And so broken in_   
_She's perfect_   
_So flawless_   
_I'm not impressed_

She isn't right for me. I love her, Mimi, I do, but she's not you. I need you. And I know I can't have you, I know I ruined that chance, but… I can't help but want you. I can't help still loving you. I can't helping seeing everything in her that is different from you. It isn't right. It isn't right to be so perfect. It isn't right for someone to be like Becca. Or maybe it is, but I don't deserve someone like her. And because of that, I'm never going to get what I had with you from her. Maybe I'll never get that from anyone. Maybe you only get that from one person in life and if you fuck it up, you fuck it up. Maybe that's just the way it works. Maybe no one will ever make me feel that comfortable. Maybe no love will ever be that broken in. 

_I want you back_   
  
  


Let me know how you like it! And if you want to hear the song, it's downloadable on MP3. com!   



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